Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ye Merciful Baseball Gods: . . . UNCLE!!!!

Mr. Spalding: We know you are old and crusty and dead, but if you can find it in your carrion-pecked heart to indulge our boys with a replenished winning touch, we promise, however deep our current sorrow or invigorating our impending joy, not to drink alcohol.

Mr. Comiskey: We know you were a miserly old bastard, but couldn't you find it in your fastidious, onyx-black soul to grant us some timely hitting? Any hitting? Some runs? We're dying here, good sir. You see, back before you were driving your players to game-fixin', three runs was a respectable day's work; these days, it royally sucks. Please endulge us: restore our dignity.

Mr. Judge Landis, sir: We know, in your sage, frightfully hideous wisdom, you meted justice as the Lance machine dispenses cap'n's wafers. But we implore you to reconsider in the matter of our Washington Nationals. Haven't you extended your long-arm justice a mile beyond a scintilla too far? These penitent, patient souls wait for DC baseball for thirty-four years, and you bestow upon them Cristian Guzman? Accursed! Please pluck the fruit from that poisonous tree.

Kyrios Pythagorus: We know you don't give a crap about baseball, but some people say you do and they've bogarted your theorem and . . . well, you'll never guess how well they've got this damned thing to work. Take back the night, righteous dude. Restore to us our first-half bliss.

If need be, we will petition the entire pantheon en banc, wherein Mr. Doubleday, among others, will also hear our plea, unless he can't because he's the fraud everyone knows he is. At any rate, we need your aid in this desperate hour. Our Nats have now lost eight straight one-run games, and celebrating one-run victories was what made us special and distinctive, sort of like John Tesh creating the NBA-on-NBC theme song.

Our identity, our joy, our reason for being . . . sirs, we feel replete with emptiness. Act quick, or we will think of more oxymorons.

PS: We considered more conventional means to express our devotion, but even St. Barry is beyond our reach at the moment. While you're dishing out the good stuff to us (fingers crossed), please deliver our patron saint from vacation, too.

You're praying to the guy who owned the "Hitless Wonders" to bring our bats alive? You fool! You've doomed us all!

Wait a second. That explains everything. The loose fitting clothes. The bad fielding. The horrible hitting. Guzman is trapped in a time warp! He's in a bubble of time that includes only him that puts him in the early 20th century! We must get him up to 88 MPH. Quick, someone get a cannon!
You fool! You've doomed us all!

Nothing else is working. Egon advised me to cross the streams.
I thought of the only thing that could hurt anyone. Cristian Guzman's bat.
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