Tuesday, April 26, 2005

"I am Cristian Guzman"

Who are the MARKETING GENIUSES that came up with this one?

Remember those "I am Tiger Woods" Nike commercials from a few years back?

Briefly described, Nike's campaign capitalized on the perception that El Tigre transcends demographics: he's popular among blacks and whites, men and women, young and old, rich and . . . well, comfortable enough to appreciate golf as a spectator sport---and everything in between. So, Nike dragged people---white/black; men/women; young/old; rich-looking or not; and people of every ethnicity and status in between---who would face the camera and give a four-word testimonial: "I am Tiger Woods."

The spots were a success, it seemed, because more of them popped up, until you had freaks like this---

---saying, "I am Tiger Woods."

Anyway, I'm thinking the Washington Nationals---who are no marketing warriors at this point---could use a bit of a pick-me-up in the promotional department: it lacks a certain je ne sais quois, wouldn't you say?

What better way to market to a region than to hit where the bell curve is fullest? Why not go after the ineffective, the unathletic, and the idiotic among us?

Why not make Cristian Guzman the face of this campaign? "I am Cristian Guzman."

I can already envision it:

* A "soccer mom" is shopping at Safeway or wherever, reaches to pick up a jar of Prego, and---like
our hero last night---bobbles and drops it. The jar shatters on the floor, pouring four cheeses to the ends of the earth.

"I am Cristian Guzman."

* An old man waddles up to the tee box on a golf course, sizes the shot up, and---without a practice swing or other indicia of thoughtfulness---hacks at the ball, sending a little grounder about seventy feet in front of him.

"I am Cristian Guzman."

* A thief crawls into the trunk of a car he was ransacking, then manages to lock himself in, only to be "rescued" when a security guard hears his banging.

"I am Cristian Guzman."

This can work, people. It's certainly better than nothing, right?

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